Parents First - Know Yourself

Take a day to heal from the lies you've told yourself and the ones which have been told to you

-Maya Angelou

In a previous post I wrote about parents being role models for their children. But first we have to know ourselves. Sometimes it is relatively easy to look at others and assess who they are by the words they say and by their actions. When we go for a job interview the interviewer immediately makes an assessment based on how we walk into the room, our appearance and our opening remarks. A simple handshake will tell the tale as to whether we are a go- getter or merely there to get a job.

The reverse is infinitely more difficult to do; looking inward at our self ( Introspection) One way to pass on value to our children is by first knowing what our values are i.e bringing to light what is at the core of our being. I am not suggesting that we all rush out and see a therapist, instead lets take the time to look inward at ourselves. A practice of self talk would be a great place to start.

Self talk allows us to forge a relationship with ourselves. We should aim to identify our -

• strong points


• weak points ( challenges)


• frustrations


• goals/passions


• personality type

During our self talk we must take a honest look at our childhood. For some of us this may be painful but it is a necessary step in "fleshing out" our true self. Our past experience has a major impact on how we live our lives today. We cannot change the past but it can be used as a stepping stool to moving forward. Without knowing it, we live or present lives by responding to situations from our past. I am not referring to only negative experiences but most times this takes pre- eminence which shapes our daily thought processes. Finally, the goal of self talk is to lead us to personal development. This is not a destination but a process; one that will provide great assistance to us in our role as parents.

There are numerous resources to assist us along the journey of self development. We can go to a therapist, read books, keep a journal, self talk etc. Whichever method (s) that leads to a sustained inward look into our core is far more beneficial that living our lives by rote. I am not advocating perfection because that is unrealistic and will only add more pressure to our busy lives.


Utopia Moment -:The new craze is to de-clutter our homes. I would like to suggest that we step back for a minute and first perform a mental de-clutter. Let us strive to recreate our mental environment so that we can maximize our present lives and inadvertently pass on a new legacy to our children.

Destination

There are no shortcuts to any place worth worth going.

-Beverley Stills


My pastor's wife is the ultimate facilatator. She is very creative in guiding us through thought provoking exercises. At times Sis H conducts meetings that challenges us to reach deep down into the far recesses of our minds. We come away with plans and ideas that would not have seen the light of day if it were not for her unique approaches.



During our first service for the New Year (09) Sis H had us do an exercise about starting over. The phrase for consideration was " If I could change the years I would ............." True to form we all had tons of grand "coulda shoulda wouldas"



Of course we cannot reach back and change the years so the real gem was to follow. "Since I cannot change the years I can still ............." You could actually see everyone minds churning as they thought about this new phrase. The challenge was to think about what we could realistically do within the confines of remaining true to ourselves.



I came away from this exercise knowing that the only way to avoid starting over every New Year was to not let myself become bound by the hands of time. I have to commit to do the every day practical steps that will allow me to attain my goals.



For the year that lay ahead lets make the words of Ralph Marston apart of our daily lives -:



In order to make progress, you must know exactly where you intend to go. Choose a clear and specific destination, and then you can get busy going there.
Having a vague idea of where you want to go is not going to do you any good. Know exactly where you desire to be and you're already well on your way there.
The dreams that are compelling are the dreams that will motivate you to take whatever action is necessary. And the most compelling dreams are the ones with rich and meaningful details.
The goals you will achieve are the goals you can fully describe. Give real life and substance to your goals and you'll quickly begin to realize them.
You can choose any destination you wish for your life. So choose one that thrills you and compels you to be the best you can be.
Delight in the rich details of where you are headed. And you'll work your way steadily there.
-- Ralph Marston

Parents First - Just for Moms

Moms have feelings too. We must learn to mother ourselves-Christiane Northrup

We bear children which makes not only our bodies unique but also our mental psyche. Ladies tend to wear their emotions on their sleeves. Within a matter of minutes our emotions can run the gauntlet from being openly ecstatic to totally withdrawn.

On a good day a mom's journal entry might read -

Today I feel empowered to take charge of my life. I feel rather
tranquil and mellow although I am surrounded by chaos. There is stress,
clutter, confusion and much to do, but for now I feel calm. I am not sure what
my calmness means but I'll take it! I feel mentally strong and I will
continue to build on that strength by incorporating timeliness and organization in
my life. Having quiet time allows me to rest and I am able to clear the fog from my brain.

The reverse is also true. On a bad day or series of bad days the journal entry could read...

Since last week I have been feeling horrible. It's an ongoing brain saga of PPD, PMS, overtired, overworked, hating my job, busy with the kids, no time for husband, messy house syndrome. Being a full time working mom is a travesty. How can one person be expected to do so much and remain sane? I am swimming in working mom's guilt. My brain feels like its being dipped in hot oil and then put in the oven on slow cook. I would like to sleep for a week without interruption from the outside world. My days are like run along sentences that is never ending,
doing a lot without a functioning brain. There is no time to transition from one
crisis to the next!!!

These two contrasting journal entries are ones that moms experience on any given day. They are both real and honest. The confusion comes when we try to negate the second entry and force ourselves into believing that we should always be living in entry number one. At our core, the first entry is what we know to be factual and nothing will change that. However, we have many days where we experience the daily frustrations outlined in the second entry.

How do we reconcile the two experiences? By understanding our mind body connection as females. A few years ago I read Christiane Northrup's book entitled, Women's bodies, women's wisdom and it was a real eye opener. This book was more than an "Aha Aha moment, it was a revelation of unspoken truths, the answer to many unanswered questions. It provided the missing link between the how and the why of our emotional experiences.

Utopia moment - A major step in being a mom is first accepting ourselves as females, Next understanding what it means to be a female with a myriad of hormones and emotions that shape our everyday experiences.

Anne Marrow Lindberg says it best -

Distraction is, always has been and probably always will
be, inherent in woman's life. For to be woman is to have
interest and duties, raying out in all all directions from the
central mother-core, like spokes from the hub of a wheel. The
pattern of our lives is essentially circular. We must be open to all
points of the compass; husband, children, friends, home,
community:stretched out, exposed, sensitive like a spider's web to
each breeze that blows, to each call that comes. How difficult for us,
then, to achieve a balance in the midst of these contradictory tensions,
and yet how necessary for the proper functioning of our lives. How much we need, and how arduous of attainment is that steadiness preached in all rules for holy living. How desirable and how distant is the ideal of the contemplative, artist or saint-the inner inviolable core, the single eye..............

The bearing, rearing, feeding and educating of children;the
running of a house with its thousand details: human relationships with their myriad pulls-woman's normal occupations in general run counter to creative lives, or contemplative life, or saintly life.......... the problem is how to remain whole in the midst of the distractions of life, how to remain balanced, no matter what centrifugal forces tend to pull one off center; how to remain strong no matter what shocks come in that periphery and tend to crack the hub of the wheel.

What is the answer? there is no easy answer, no complete
answer.......the first step is in simplification of life, in cutting out
some of the distractions. But how? The solution is neither in
total renunciation of the world, nor in total acceptance of
it. I must find a balance somewhere, or an alternating
rhythm between these two extremes: a swinging of the pendulum between solitude and communion, between retreat and return.